It is 12:30 at night and I just can't go to bed. I am so sad. I just keep tearing up.

I went to a funeral today for a friend's son who commited suicide last week. It is just so close to home and I feel Hollis' pain so profoundly. Will was Taylor's age and her daughter is Mary-Catherine's age. They have been to school together since Kingergarten. Hollis is such a devoted mother. She spoke today at the funeral and said that she has been everywhere with Will. She has done everything for him and she wanted to do this last thing for him. I was so impressed with her words. I can't imagine having to go through such a difficult experience. This was a kid who seemed to have it all and be on top of the world. I worry so much about others copying his actions.

Am I doing all I need to do for my children? Am I teaching them to believe in themselves? Am I helping them to find Christ and trust in Him to help them through the hard parts of life? So many questions, so few answers...

Such a beautiful, hopeful life ended. It is just too terrible.

How is my baby 21!!!

This is the little boy that sometimes I long for again. I was so young and he has been with me for 21 of my 40 years. Boy was he adored. We just sat and watched him. I am so thankful for him in my life. So to celebrate his 21st birthday I have 21 things I love about Alex.

1. He is generally so happy

2. He is generally so silly.

3. He is very dramatic. Right Gwen! (spent the night at Gwen's house as a child and wanted to come home. He got on the phone with me and told me that their mattresses were not comfortable. Another time he wouldn't come out of a tent unless he talked to me and they offered him what he wanted to eat.)

4. He can jump like crazy!!

5. He can play Spiderman with the best of them.

6. He patiently navigated London with his mother and GranJan. And I do mean navigated. Most often we had no idea where we were!

7. He is a great friend to his sisters.

8. His favorite women! haha

9. Man does he love music and musicals.

10. I just love him.

11. He wisely loves LSU!!

12. He really CAN jump...pretty cool, too.

13. He is very artistic, too.

14. He is very creative.

15. Sometimes bored at family functions.....happens when you are the oldest of 13 and the youngest is exactly 20 years younger than you!!

16. Attracts many cute ladies!!

17. Even if they seem him like this! He can hardly be embarrassed!

18. He has the cutest peak in his hair.

19. He doesn't mind hanging out with his mom and dad.

20. He loves his video games!!

21. He has blazed the trail for the rest of these kids. He was our experimental child after all!!

We all love him so much!!

Happy "Vegas" Birthday, Alex!

Lily came into my room last night and I vaguely remember her crying saying her tummy hurt. So I got her into my bed assuming that if I gave into that I could go right back to sleep. She tossed and turned, whimpered, got up to go to the bathroom, called for me ----Zack woke me up to let me know---- and finally, finally, threw up...........ALOT.

But, she did make it in the bowl Zack got up to get her!! Yeah, Lily!!

And she and I went right back to peaceful sleep!! Yeah, Sleep!!

But Zack didn't. Poor guy!

So, this morning she seemed better, but I thought it was best to keep her home. So, she watched Secretariat, while I scrubbed all my cabinet fronts and cleaned off the countertops --completely. We have alot of cabinets. I am sore tonight.

So right before she drifts off to a blissful nap, she asks what time it is. Only 10:38.

Are you kidding? "When will the big girls be home?" Not for 5 more hours! That's a long time!

So she naps, talks my ear off, reads, lays around while I mop and scrub with at wire brush most of my brick floors, clean the bathrooms, etc, etc. "Is this what you do ALL day?" As I scrubbed we talked about my day and what we used to do together when she was home alone. (I miss those days......we would go to Sam's and eat our lunch) But even then, she was ALL about the big girls coming home!

About 2:00 she asks, " Doesn't the day seem so long?"

I hated to tell her, but not for me! I was tired.

Needless to say, she is ready for school tomorrow. Sorry though, FEVER! Up to 102.5.

Another long boring day with Mama! I love sick kids. All warm and snuggly.......and talkative!

I am trying to download Lily's notes she made during her Primary class at church a few weeks ago. So adorable. What a girl. I am so happy that she has such wonderful teachers who inspire her to do listen and learn about the gospel and Heavenly Father. Thank YOU!!!!

"Pretend this is God.

and pretend this is you.

God is pure and we are not.

God is becuse He died for us.

So imgine that you were God

what would you die for us for

your family and friends and

everyone. Take it step by step

to get to Hevnely Father. The

higher she can jump the closer

she gets to Heavenly Father.

The 2nd step is to get Baptised.

Heavenly Father dose not force you

to obay. you can choose to sin

if you want to. The Holy Ghost

can bless you only if you repent.

keep the gospel. Helaman 4:24-8

How sweet!!! Love this wonderful girl. She is so thoughtful and dedicated. She has also been reading her scriptures and really trying to understand how things work. Lily is really enjoying reading in the last few months. Mostly Junie B. Jones, but other things, too. Last night I went to turn off their light and she had fallen asleep as I have hundreds of times before.....with the book in front of her face and still firmly in her hands. I laid it down and turned off the light.

Lily also is a wonderful writer. She loves to write letters, stories, and apparently notes. She has done this a few times in Sacrament, too. I love the way her little mind works. We are all so crazy about her. She will call and talk to Alex and Taylor. I often wonder what their conversations are about because they are quite long.

Lily will not ride her bike either. She is afraid for some reason. She has now surpassed Emma as the oldest non-rider in the family. We are working on it though. For now she LOVES to go out on her scooter and ride all over the driveway. She is usually out by herself and again, I just wonder what she is thinking about. You can tell her mind is always moving!

I went for a student-led conference in her class this week and her teacher, Mrs. Clark, told me that she is not the profile for the youngest child. I asked what that meant and she said that she is not whiny or self-absorbed. She works well with others and loves to help the other students.

If only we could get Emma to see this side of her!! Lily thinks that is because she wants to be a teacher when she grows up! Mrs Clark also said that Lily could easily run the classroom. Lily knows it, too. She is quite confident in her abilities.

Another thing we struggle to get Lily to do is to PRAY. She does NOT like to pray out loud or for our family. We have tried so many things. I think Zack finally got her attention this week and she has been some better. Something about her just will not let her show her emotion or feelings in this way. Are there any suggestions? We want her to let all her sweet little feelings and thoughts out to Heavenly Father.

Lily is our baby! She will always be our baby. Last night she was snuggling in my lap and I just wanted her to stay there. I wanted her to be little and sweet and snuggly. For the last couple of years I knew that she would stop being willing to give kisses and I really dreaded that day. It is here. She will just every once in a while. Sad day for me. Lucky for me she give me a little glimpse of a reminder every once in a while. Love that baby girl so much!!

David Slay........died February 8, 2011

I thought in the last couple of weeks how I would not have come to know this man if we had not moved to Sulphur 17 years ago. I am so thankful to have been able to know him. David is my grandmother's first cousin. I remember visiting him when I was in junior high school and my sister was playing in the girl's Sweet Sixteen basketball Tournament semi-finals in Lake Charles.

As we thought about David after learning of his passing 2 weeks ago, we thought of all the fun things about him. Mary-Catherine reminded us that he always had a twinkle in his eye. He really did even though I never really thought about it until she pointed it out. Always a joke on the tip of his tongue. We remembered him teasing Emma about being a cheerleader after she had a birthday party with a Sulphur High cheerleader teaching all the girls cheers. She would get so upset that he could NOT be a cheerleader. She did end up teaching him a cheer..........T................O..................R................S!!! TORS, go TORS!! He would do the hand motions and she would always tell him that wasn't right. She would get so frustrated and the more frustrated she became, the more happy David was. Even 8 years later, he still asked if Emma could teach him to be a cheerleader and when she would be a boy! Surely she was going to grow up to be a boy! And wouldn't he be a girl at some point!

David had such a way with people. He seemed to have a story with almost everyone he knew. I told his wife, Pat, that I didn't know too many other people who had so many fun stories to tell than we all did about David.

The thing that stands out to me the most was his unique way of bearing his testimony in Sacrament meeting. He always started with some unusual confusing statements.....almost always referring in someway or another to his "cousins" on the front row. He would talk about Mary-Catherine smiling or laughing at him, he would talk about me in some way. The last time he bore his testimony in January, he talked about "his pretty little cousins on the front row". My girls always listened and laughed and would get a little embarrassed. After his silliness David would finally get around to his real testimony. Even with his unconventional delivery, I could always feel the depth of his testimony and his knowledge of the gospel. I would usually end with tears in my eyes as my spirit was touched by his. And I would always look up with pride at being related to him.

Knowing David and Joan, his sister, has made be think about how amazing it was that their grandfather, my great-great grandfather, joined the church in 1898 in Sabine parish, Louisiana. I am so thankful for their strength and wisdom in aligning (that word sounds like something David would say) their families with the gospel so long ago. I am in awe of the numbers of descendants that are still strong in the gospel. Recently I have come to know of even more relatives in the Beaumont area who descend from that family and from Sabine parish. What a blessing it has been to my life that they taught, through words and actions, their children who in turn taught me, again through words and actions, the truth of the gospel. The sacrifices my ancestors gave through service in the gospel strengthens me as I struggle to teach my family.

I hope David is able to know what an impact he had on so many. I hope he knows that his life mattered............even though he was "barely hanging on: most of the time!! I hope he knows that I appreciated his testimony and concern for me and my family.

Once again Alex has the best luck with roommates. They all seem to get along and they seems so much like him. I want to go visit so bad. They have the most fun contests and activities.

A few weeks ago they made "roommate art" to hang in their apartment. It was very cool, I thought. His is the blue one with the butterfly. Love it. If you look closely there are rock climbers hanging off the back of the bird, but it looks like they are rock climbing if his pictures is by itself. Too cool. Love how they are all unique but work together so well.

Last weekend in preparation for the SuperBowl they made racing boats out of duck tape. A Steelers one and a Packers one. I will try to get pictures. The Packers boat won when they raced them in Prove Lake (??Is it a lake or a river....I am not sure!)

Alex came to school prepared with over 30 rolls of duck tape he got from work..........they had extra they didn't need. He found good use for it!!

I have a testimony of paying tithing. Just thought I should say that. Sometimes it is really hard to do even with this testimony. I am so happy that Zack's testimony of it shines brighter than my does at times which has been such a blessing to our lives.

Even with this strong testimony some of our kids have struggled at times to really grasp the importance of this principle of the gospel.

It's not Taylor.

He has always been very diligent about this and just to make sure he is accurate will sometimes pay more than he really owes.

So long story short, Taylor worked this summer in Biloxi with Zack on the BP spill. He knew from the beginning that they were not taking out taxes and that he would have to pay them at the end of the year. He did know!!

But going off to school in Idaho was just so much fun. He lived it up his first semester. I would call and ,after watching his account look somewhat like a register at the store, gently remind him that he was poor and that he had to make his money last through the whole year. (I forgot at this time about the taxes, too---not that it's my job!)

Anyway, he ended up spending alot and has just barely enough to scrape through the rest of the semester.....if he sells plasma along the way.

So, last week I decided to visit TURBO TAX and do both boys taxes for them. Well, Taylor it seems, owes about $900!

He doesn't have that much!

Stress, a few tears, worry, frustration with self.....all describe Taylor at some point in the past week.

So Monday I got the mail and noticed an envelope for Taylor from his employer in Biloxi. What could it be?

$1885.00...........a settlement of the contract they had together.........a settlement that severed their relationship for good............a settlement that will pay Taylor's taxes AND give him a little breathing room so he doesn't come home a broken man!

Paying tithing is a blessing. I am so happy that I have been able to see this blessing in my life and now in the lives of my children. He saw it right away.........and even better, so did his siblings.